More than it should be....

This blog has really become cathartic for me, especially while living here in Helena. I'm sitting down at 10:30 at night to write this (I'm usually in bed by now) feeling utterly exhausted but not able to quiet my mind for one second. Bear with me as I attempt to unwind.....

This has been a crazy day. Started with a phone call this morning saying my great aunt had passed away. While this wasn't shocking for me (she had been very ill), it was not the greatest way to begin my day.

I'm amazed at how exhausted I am at this internship. Previous internships have left me excited about the next day and the next adventure, however, I'm not feeling it this time around. I'm in a great "social work" atmosphere with good people, yet I can't quite motivate myself to get excited about opportunities. Let's pray that comes soon.

I'm learning how to trust and believe in people when it seems hard. I can't really explain now, but I'm working on putting my hope in someone else's hands and I feel like I'm watching them slowly let me go. I feel "let go" by Baylor and the School of Social Work. I feel like I've been left out in the wilderness. But I'm working on trusting and believing in others.

I'm learning.......

about the power of love.

who/what is worth time and energy.

God has not taken a vacation from my life, but he's been here the whole time. (thank you, The Shack. Don't judge me).

I don't always know what's best for my life and my mom is so much smarter than I am about things.

coffee and hot tea can make me feel better.

I consistently run away from the good things in my life without taking time to give them a chance at changing who I am.

there are a lot of people I miss so much more than I could have ever imagined - like my grandfather. I'd give anything for a hug and kiss from him right now.

I'm no good at this social worker thing, but I'm trying my best.


While the above is definitely not a all-encompassing list, these are just a few thoughts that rummage through my head on any given day (or night in this case).

I can't help but wonder if this is all that life was meant to be. Is life a consistent list of things that we are learning or not learning. Will there ever be a time in my life where I am content with exactly where I am? I look to scripture and I keep hearing the words, "my yoke is light". Really? Are you sure about that? As a Christian, with the world hurting like it is, can my yoke every really be light? Will there be a time when the weight of poverty, homelessness, depression, illness, PTSD (the list goes on...) will make my burden light?

As someone who is called to ministry and the service of the church, will there ever be a time when I can look back at this time in my life and think, "wow, that was a hard time, I'm sure glad things have gotten easier?"

Do you ever have those days that you just want to take a job on a cruise ship just to escape all resemblance of reality? Think about it, your life revolves around making sure the (extremely happy) guests have towels at the pool! What a life. Surely there is need for ministers and social workers on a cruise ship. (note to self - google Disney employment opportunities)

I just wonder why God has chosen some for this path. Let's be honest, given my emotional history, I'm not sure I seem like the right person to be sending into such an aggressive work environment.

I've got to many thoughts right now and my shoulders are now achy from these thoughts -------