Love (or something similiar)

I don't know what it is about Christmas, but I always begin to think about the love (or relationships) that have passed. I'm not sure if it's all the love and merry encircling around in the air this time of year, but for some reason, lately, I've been thinking a lot about love lost. Bear with me, this gets choppy!

I'm well aware that this blog is more for my sanity rather than informative and you may not be interested in reading this blog...feel free to move on, but I've been thinking and we all know how dangerous that can be. I think I've become bitter towards God when it comes to my relationships. It seems as though everyone has found love, or something similar, while I am the one who is feeling the urge towards marriage. How is it that people who are so opposed to love find it while those of us who want it so badly seem to be left out. I had dinner with a friend just last week and as we sat together feeling sorry for ourselves, I couldn't help but become jealous of those friends who have found love. Then, the dangerous thing begins - thinking of past relationships (both good and bad). I was actually reading about this (in my spiritual formation book - thank you very much) - about how people can turn their heads the other direction when dealing with relationships. We tend to think of only the good and not the bad in the past relationships. I do this! But more than that, my last two relationships ended and resulted in the boy getting married! How/why does that happen?

Now more than ever, friends are dating and I routinely find myself "out of the loop". A serious crush from the summer is now dating someone and it is painful for me. Were we perfect, meant to be, etc.? Probably not. But why does it hurt? Friends are dating and our frienships are suffering because they hang out with other dating couples....this sucks!

I think it's jealousy - plain and simple. Is this Christ-like. No, but I'm a girl and a human and it happens.

How can God put such a passion (for a family) in my heart and yet keep me from that goal? What's a Christian girl to do? Is God teaching me something? If so, what? Why can't I understand? Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship.

But the hardest part is watching friends get pregnant and have babies all while I'm single and not even dating? I am that girl with the ticking biological clock. I'm sure guys can pick up this "scent" a mile away!

I don't know what to do. I'm not a fan of online dating and I'm not a fan of hanging out in bars like I'm fishing for men.

I'm tired of being single and I'm tired of wishing and wanting.....convent here I come!!!

Well, this has definitely been rambling and if you stayed with me, thank you.